I don't really believe in god in the traditional way which is a shame because i would benefit from visiting overeaters anonymous. Unfortunately, i don't think that giving myself over to a higher power will save me from the biscuit tin. I think i'm going to have to do this one myself.
Forgive me, but i'm going to rant here for a bit in the hope that it helps.
1. We were not allowed treats. Never, we didn't ever have biscuits or sweet juice in the house. Therefore, every penny of my pocket money went on these forbidden foods. Even my dad would pig out on chocolate biscuits - i once caught him at my grandmothers house stuffing biscuits into his face.
I can eat these foods when i want to now - but i know they harm me and i choose to no longer crave them.
2. My mother put me on a diet from a young age. My mother has never been over 140lbs in her life. She has never even been overweight but she put so much emphasis on how fat i was (i am broad, i have very big feet and a big head - although i was a size 10 throughout my teens) so she restricted my food even further and made me crave and obsess about food.
I can choose what i eat, when i want to eat it. I do not need to obsess about food - it is always there. I earn enough money to be able to eat whatever i want but i choose to feed my body healthy, nutritious food.
3. I'm a secret eater, if mum ever saw me eating she would call me a piggywig or tell me my eyes were bigger than my stomach - therefore eating alone is guilt free.
Secret eating is not guilt free - even if no one sees me, it still adds weight and damages my body and self esteem.
4. When my parents divorced and i went to live with my mum, i left my friends behind. Friday and Saturday nights had been going out with mates nights but they became staying at home alone nights. Mum gave me money for videos so that i would have something to do - i spent it all on expensive junk food from the deli - fried bagel chips, cheese popcorn and chocolates. This food became my night out - it replaced the love and companionship of my friends and family.
Food is not love, food is not comfort. It is fuel. I will no longer eat when i need love - i will instead find love, get a hug from someone or be kind to myself.
Ok - i think that might have been my first step down a healthier road......
Wow - that was great...really enjoyed that....
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Wow Wendy, you are really digging deep now! I think this is really what it will come down to, being fully aware of what the triggers are and then finding ways to stop yourself when a trigger comes up.
ReplyDeleteIt is great that you can be that honest with yourself and the world, I admire you for this!
AWESOME, Wendy!! You are an amazing woman! I can tell! You may not think so all the time, but you are!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to some of your story. I grew up with an obese mom and food was comfort for what ailed us. Like you, I have a big head and big feet and hands and have always carried heavier weight, but still wore a size 10 in high school. At 13, I weighed 116 lbs at a Doc.'s physical and my mom freaked! She was horrified that I weighed that much, so by that reaction started my path of being compulsive about my weight and the image of not being good enough. I would eat in secret too! That is when I got my best "comfort". Mom wasn't letting me have goodies very often. The funny thing is, My mom is still heavy but has lost some weight, my 2 brothers are very overweight and I am the thinnest member of my family! My mom has been on every diet imaginable and gets nowhere. I have 2 girls and I am choosing to break this cycle of unhealthy eating habits.
Thanks so much for your honesty! I know it will help you to know the triggers! Great self reflection!